CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
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Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.