I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
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“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.