Wasps: bees, but not helping
You Might Also Like
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.