Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.