[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
You Might Also Like
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Word!
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho