I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
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Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
me irl
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.