I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
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Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.