telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
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doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi