Plant care tips
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?