I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
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Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff