I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
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Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
But wait…
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.