“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
You Might Also Like
#oldknees
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I have many caverns
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.