You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Nothing.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous