“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
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I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*