I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
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“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.