COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
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me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”