Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
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Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
then why did i get this email
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding