With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
You Might Also Like
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product