Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!