When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.