her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
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Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
man: wait
time: no
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”