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“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
But that’s none of my business
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.