Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
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[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
A ghost story
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.