Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
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My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
(Gaming support cat.)
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.