The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”