Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”