[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie