“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
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Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Bruh PLEASE
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I鈥檓 not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I鈥檝e had my coffee. Also I don鈥檛 drink coffee. It鈥檚 been very peaceful.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I鈥檝e gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I鈥檝e gotta say if there鈥檚 a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we鈥檙e ready.
Husband: Ok, this isn鈥檛 funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it鈥檚 not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
馃槀 amazing answer
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
wife: where鈥檚 the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where鈥檚 the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What鈥檚 your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don鈥檛 have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I鈥橪L NEVER JOIN YOU!
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you