*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
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“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
fair
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.