Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
You Might Also Like
gentlemen, hear me out
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.