My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
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How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.