Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
You Might Also Like
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Thursday
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.