It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
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10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident