Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Just a phase…
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.