You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
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Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?