“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
somebody come look at this
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.