Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
saving face 👀
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii