Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either