“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
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In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
❤️❤️❤️
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”