*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
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I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.