It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
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I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.