*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
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coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so