7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
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I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
get you a girl who
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I hate everything