pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
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Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel