I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
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A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Realize this:
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
scrabbled eggs
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink