Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”