10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food