Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
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The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Damn he played himself
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.