Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
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MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”