Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
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* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
kitchen magnet
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.